1:20 am. No different than any other night these last few weeks, I'm wasting away doing nothing. Mom recommends I go out and help less fortunate people, to gain perspective; but I have so many problems doing that!
I mean, I'm not really sure it makes a difference what we do with our lives...people all seem to die the same, and the living move onward. Also, who am I to think I have anything to offer other people? I am disgusted with my own life as it is and I am significantly better off than most. If I can't be content with all I have, how am I supposed to help motivate those in worse conditions? Finally, I just don't think I can interact with complete strangers, particularly those who live hard, often chaotic lives. I can't trust even the most amicable strangers, and I definitely can't predict the actions of the unfortunate.
But obviously, something, somehow, needs to change in my life. I've earmarked the idea of faith/religion, as I just don't see anything that can convince me one way or the other anytime soon. Love is only the faintest flicker in my life; I have no close friends in the area, and my conversations with a potential relationship interest is coming along slowly and insignificantly, as she both lives near my hometown 2 hrs away and is too busy/not interested in actually meeting one another face to face.
I'm on new medication, which only effect seems to be trouble sleeping, and I sleep most of the day while awake from 6pm to 6am typically.
I'm actually not sure I WANT to be happy in this world, either. How can I be content with the fear, hatred, and deception that I hear and see every day? Maybe Depression is Nature's cure to the human infestation of Earth. Our societies have become complex enough to successfully combat almost any attack that mother nature throws our way, at least in the sense of total annihilation. Since we cannot be dealt with physically, perhaps evolution seeks to destroy us on a mental level, leading to our self-destruction over time.
As for myself, the latter idea makes the most sense currently, as I see it quite possibly bei g the best thing for this world. I see no savior to rescue me from my silent angst and despair, and I have not the willpower to save myself. Higher power, if you are out there, oh how we all need you here to correct our wrongs, even if eradication be the solution. I wish I could say I could provide you something in exchange for your help, but I'm not sure anyone here has a value.
