1:20 am. No different than any other night these last few weeks, I'm wasting away doing nothing. Mom recommends I go out and help less fortunate people, to gain perspective; but I have so many problems doing that!
I mean, I'm not really sure it makes a difference what we do with our lives...people all seem to die the same, and the living move onward. Also, who am I to think I have anything to offer other people? I am disgusted with my own life as it is and I am significantly better off than most. If I can't be content with all I have, how am I supposed to help motivate those in worse conditions? Finally, I just don't think I can interact with complete strangers, particularly those who live hard, often chaotic lives. I can't trust even the most amicable strangers, and I definitely can't predict the actions of the unfortunate.
But obviously, something, somehow, needs to change in my life. I've earmarked the idea of faith/religion, as I just don't see anything that can convince me one way or the other anytime soon. Love is only the faintest flicker in my life; I have no close friends in the area, and my conversations with a potential relationship interest is coming along slowly and insignificantly, as she both lives near my hometown 2 hrs away and is too busy/not interested in actually meeting one another face to face.
I'm on new medication, which only effect seems to be trouble sleeping, and I sleep most of the day while awake from 6pm to 6am typically.
I'm actually not sure I WANT to be happy in this world, either. How can I be content with the fear, hatred, and deception that I hear and see every day? Maybe Depression is Nature's cure to the human infestation of Earth. Our societies have become complex enough to successfully combat almost any attack that mother nature throws our way, at least in the sense of total annihilation. Since we cannot be dealt with physically, perhaps evolution seeks to destroy us on a mental level, leading to our self-destruction over time.
As for myself, the latter idea makes the most sense currently, as I see it quite possibly bei g the best thing for this world. I see no savior to rescue me from my silent angst and despair, and I have not the willpower to save myself. Higher power, if you are out there, oh how we all need you here to correct our wrongs, even if eradication be the solution. I wish I could say I could provide you something in exchange for your help, but I'm not sure anyone here has a value.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
People Scare People!
Oh...humans and their fear of one another isn't really something I should be blogging about at almost 5 in the morning, but I'm in a pensive mood.
In my experiences as a college student, I perceive a great deal of the goings-on between humans, and occasionally even take part in it myself. I definitely feel like I pay much more attention to the smaller details that occur during people's interactions, and as a result these details tend to float around in my thoughts a lot.
Where to start on this...I guess, why humans are innately somewhat frightened by each other. Especially for me, I'm typically someone who will forget the name (sometimes within an unexaggerated 3 seconds)of the person I'm meeting for the first time. I'm so focused on giving them my name, I often forget to cognitively note their name unless I make a serious effort.
Just little quirks about human interaction fascinate me. Although the best way to get to know a person is to share some of those random things one thinks about most deeply, those tend to be the last thing we intend to share. I have yet to meet a person that doesn't have little things, thoughts, experiences that really bring me closer to them as a fellow human being, though they often don't realize how important these things are. Humans are social creatures, and I just wish that we weren't all so afraid of telling people who we really are; why is it socially unacceptable and weird to share some of the things that tell the most about you? I assume it's just a result of intolerance and close-mindedness. I strive every day to shake off these feelings, but society just has them ingrained so deep in all of us. I see someone around campus that looks or acts only slightly different than what is "normal" and the thought immediately jumps to my head "oh, that's strange." I also immediately tend to put up more of a guard around people that are like this, as that fear we all seem to have of each other creeps up on me. I feel like we have to act like caged animals in public, for fear we will be noticed (while at the same time, secretly wishing to be noticed, albeit in a positive manner).
I'm very aware of how much I'm rambling about nonsense, so I am going to sleep, or at least stopping typing. I'll work on organization later.
In my experiences as a college student, I perceive a great deal of the goings-on between humans, and occasionally even take part in it myself. I definitely feel like I pay much more attention to the smaller details that occur during people's interactions, and as a result these details tend to float around in my thoughts a lot.
Where to start on this...I guess, why humans are innately somewhat frightened by each other. Especially for me, I'm typically someone who will forget the name (sometimes within an unexaggerated 3 seconds)of the person I'm meeting for the first time. I'm so focused on giving them my name, I often forget to cognitively note their name unless I make a serious effort.
Just little quirks about human interaction fascinate me. Although the best way to get to know a person is to share some of those random things one thinks about most deeply, those tend to be the last thing we intend to share. I have yet to meet a person that doesn't have little things, thoughts, experiences that really bring me closer to them as a fellow human being, though they often don't realize how important these things are. Humans are social creatures, and I just wish that we weren't all so afraid of telling people who we really are; why is it socially unacceptable and weird to share some of the things that tell the most about you? I assume it's just a result of intolerance and close-mindedness. I strive every day to shake off these feelings, but society just has them ingrained so deep in all of us. I see someone around campus that looks or acts only slightly different than what is "normal" and the thought immediately jumps to my head "oh, that's strange." I also immediately tend to put up more of a guard around people that are like this, as that fear we all seem to have of each other creeps up on me. I feel like we have to act like caged animals in public, for fear we will be noticed (while at the same time, secretly wishing to be noticed, albeit in a positive manner).
I'm very aware of how much I'm rambling about nonsense, so I am going to sleep, or at least stopping typing. I'll work on organization later.
Introduction
Well, I doubt anyone else will ever read this blog, but I'll add a short introduction anyways.
My name's Kennan, and I'm an undergraduate student at Texas A&M University in College Station, TX. I'm about three-fifths through my undergraduate education, which is focusing mainly upon English Literature and Philosophy. Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the idea of putting my thoughts down somewhere; funnily enough, I just finished watching The Social Network, and it really made me want to create a blog. Even if I am the only one to ever visit this blog, I think the possibility that someone could read this makes me more interested in posting than just typing offline. This blog should basically just include some of the things I tend to ponder over; about people, relationships, life in general, and why the world is the way it is.
My name's Kennan, and I'm an undergraduate student at Texas A&M University in College Station, TX. I'm about three-fifths through my undergraduate education, which is focusing mainly upon English Literature and Philosophy. Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the idea of putting my thoughts down somewhere; funnily enough, I just finished watching The Social Network, and it really made me want to create a blog. Even if I am the only one to ever visit this blog, I think the possibility that someone could read this makes me more interested in posting than just typing offline. This blog should basically just include some of the things I tend to ponder over; about people, relationships, life in general, and why the world is the way it is.
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